Let's talk about my growth over the past 2 years. This post was inspired by videos on TikTok leading up to October 28th about the ending of a 2 year eclipse cycle. This cycle was transiting my 5th and 11th houses in my birth chart, so a lot has changed for me in terms of creativity and self-expression (5th house) and group associations (11th house).
At the same time this eclipse cycle began, I joined a WhatsApp support group for blind and visually impaired women. I discovered this group months before while scrolling on TikTok, but I was terrified of joining and not being accepted. I finally took the plunge in November 2021, and I'm so glad I did. On TikTok, these groups seemed close-knit and supportive. I wanted to make friends and improve my confidence, hoping the group would help me just like it helped others.
I was added to the group in a large batch of new members. While others quickly made connections and were invited to join other groups, I was not. I felt very much like an outsider, and all my issues with groups were brought to the surface. I struggle with rejection sensitivity, so I was terrified of saying the wrong thing or offending someone, and I was triggered often. I didn't know how to connect with others, even when we had similar interests; I put a lot of pressure on myself to keep up with the conversation, to constantly show support, and to participate in any events possible. I participated in a gift exchange, sent money whenever anyone needed it, and reached out privately whenever someone was struggling. When I asked why others were able to join multiple groups and I wasn't, I was told they were interacting on Google Meet calls. So, I forced myself too consistently join calls, but it was ultimately a waste of time. I would either spend the entire time trying to force myself to say something, or I would feel incredibly awkward and embarrassed by what I did manage to say. It was torture. The only calls I actually enjoyed were the movie nights, and that's because we were all doing something together and I didn't have to say anything.
The Google Meet calls were a sensory nightmare, with so much cross-talk, extra noise, and they were very fast paced. I had no idea how or when to jump into the conversation, and I find any sort of time pressure to be extremely stressful, so I also didn't enjoy playing games with everyone. I had a slightly easier time during book club calls, but I stopped going after I couldn't lead the group one day. I felt the disapproval, like they thought I was avoiding running the call, and they didn't believe I didn't feel well. It really hurt, because I was prepared and genuinely excited for the call. There was a point when a small group of women were going on walks together. I joined once and had a good time; but, I made them uncomfortable so they stopped sharing links to their calls.
Participating in the chat has been a challenge as well. I notice everything, and it's honestly to my own detriment. It's difficult for me to send messages, because I feel like no one wants to hear what I have to say. So, it's a big deal when I do say something, and it's glaringly obvious when everyone continues on as if I never said anything, or when the chat comes to a screeching halt. WhatsApp lets you see who listens to your messages, so I'm aware of those who always listen to my messages but never respond; I notice when someone's tone is different when they respond to me. I can feel awkwardness, and I know when people don't like me. I'm just not always sure why, and I'm not sure how to connect with the group and to be included.
Participating in this group hasn't panned out in the way I'd hoped, but it has contributed to so much growth. I can easily notice when I'm triggered or having an emotional flashback, and I can trace my feelings in the moment back to the root. I can show myself more compassion and comfort my inner child. I have met some great people and been able to support their creative ventures. I've made some authentic one-on-one connections. I've learned to put less pressure on myself. It's hard for a large group with more than 30 members to feel connected, and what connection looks like for me isn't what connection looks like for others. Some people love having large, loud gatherings, but some of us need smaller group settings. They never got to know me, and that's no one's fault. I beat myself up for so long for not being able to connect with them, but since I've started learning more about myself, I can see how it isn't a failing on my part.
I no longer force myself to keep up with the chat, reply to messages, or join calls. I allow myself to send messages in text when speaking is difficult. I'm not offended when someone doesn't respond to me, because sometimes other people drop the ball, they're dealing with their own issues, and it isn't always something I did. I still struggle with this one, but I try not to get worked up when I think I've upset someone or done something wrong. If I have, they can tell me. I let myself be awkward and try my best not to worry about other people's impression of me. They're going to think what they want regardless, so worrying about it really does no good. I prioritize reciprocal connections, so I take note when someone is actively reaching out to me and genuinely seems interested in building friendship. I don't force anything with anyone.
Now let's talk about self-expression and creativity. I've received a lot of criticism throughout my life, just for being myself and doing things I enjoy. Because of this, I am very sensitive to what other people have to say, and I've changed or hidden a lot about myself over the years to try to make other people happy. When my boyfriend didn't like how much information I shared online, I stopped blogging, and I hid my more personal tweets behind a protected twitter account and made my main account more professional. I stopped singing, making art, and writing. I stopped showing people the real me, because I wanted them to like me. Now, as I am learning more about myself and figuring out who I really am, I'm working on showing up authentically as me, awkward, silly, sensitive, genuine, honest, emotional, whatever. I used to want nothing more than to be totally understood and supported, but how other people see me is always going to be filtered through the lens of their views, their experiences, and how they see the world. I seem to annoy people regardless, so why should they dictate my behavior?
My go-to trauma response is definitely fawning, but once I realize there's no hope of being accepted, all bets are off. I intentionally rebel against the norm and proudly embrace everything about me others hate. For example, when I was ejected from a friend group for my differences, I edited my Mastodon profile to emphasize everything they dislike. I thought they were my friends, but friends wouldn't judge me behind my back; they'd appreciate who I am as a person and respect my thoughts. They wouldn't think less of me for having different views, and they'd actually stand up for me when I was being treated unfairly. They never accepted me. In fact, they never knew me. It's hard not to internalize what happened, because this isn't the first time "friends" have turned on me, but I realized their behavior is a reflection of them, not of me. As soon as someone isn't around, the rest of the group is judging that person, and they all think they're bonding. It's sad. The saying "Rejection is God's protection" definitely applies here.
I have so much more appreciation for the friends who surround me with love, who make sure I have everything I need, who value what I have to say and who I am as a person, who never criticize me for healing in the way that works best for me, who are open-minded and don't push me away for seeing things differently, who would never take advantage of me and toss me away like I'm nothing. They're the ones who have stuck by me for years. They're not perfect, and they accept my imperfections. We've dealt with conflict, but we confront our issues and we're stronger because of it.
I've learned so much about myself, and this has helped me have more self-compassion when I'm not able to live up to my own expectations. For example, I am not able to consistently create content on a schedule. My best work is done when it isn't forced, and sometimes that means there will be gaps in time when I'm not creating and that's okay. I've started writing again and sharing my story, I post what I want on Mastodon and only have one account, and I no longer attempt to maintain some kind of perfect image. If anything, I want to be as weird as possible, because I want to repel anyone who is close-minded and judgmental. I'm open to authentic, supportive connections, and nothing less. I'm figuring out what I want, what I like, and who I really am, and I'm so happy to be able to share this journey with anyone who reads this blog. Thanks for reading! 💙