Let's talk about the holidays. How did the girl who loved holiday traditions become the woman who avoids family gatherings? If you've read My Journey of Self-Discovery, you may have some ideas about what's going on. However, it's more complicated than just that.
Although I loved getting together with family and eating delicious food, there were aspects of the experience I tolerated because I had to. I really didn't enjoy moving through tight, crowded kitchens with someone asking me what I wanted while other people were talking loudly around us. I didn't like being the focus of attention, and people discussing what I was or wasn't eating. I didn't like the chaos of everyone opening gifts at the same time, the pressure to get others gifts when I couldn't afford it and to appreciate what was given to me even if it was obviously given out of obligation. I didn't like being out of my environment and having to wait for other people to decide when we could leave.
I love my dad, and I always wanted to see him and spend time with him on the holidays. However, I was always struggling by the time I made it to his gatherings. I'd already endured significant sensory overload, and instead of getting a break, I'd have to go to an environment where I was even less familiar. I usually didn't get to interact with him much, and was very rarely even able to eat at the same table with him. I looked forward to arriving late, because it meant the kitchen would be quieter and I could sit next to my dad. However, I'd still be expected to eat when I'd just had a meal and some people would make it a point to pick on me for my weight and what I was or wasn't eating. When I would eat at the same time as everyone else, I was singled out to eat separately, usually sitting on an uncomfortable bar stool at a counter alone.
When I was a child and we had family gatherings at my grandparents' house, I was able to take breaks by retreating to my cousin's room. We could hang out there until it was time to go home. As I got older and we began having some gatherings at my mom's house, I was able to stay in my room until it was time to eat and quickly make my exit when we were done. Even after I moved into my own house, until recently I had a room of my own at her house that I could retreat to whenever necessary. Now this is no longer the case, and that has been challenging. At my dad's, there was never anywhere I could go to take a break except the bathroom. Sometimes my anxiety would get so bad that I would need to be in the bathroom, and sometimes I was just taking a sensory break. The problem? If you spend too much time in the bathroom, everyone wants to know if you're okay and that just makes everything worse.
I used to regularly get sick just before going to my dad's house for holidays. I have frequently backed out on him over the years, and it has broken my heart every time. Not only did I not have the language to describe my experience and advocate for my needs, but I also didn't feel safe to do so. I could feel my dad's disappointment every time I let him down, and at times he seemed to hold a grudge against me for awhile. I didn't understand why I couldn't just go with the flow and act like everyone else. My older brother and his wife, for example, used to go to several different houses on the same day for Thanksgiving. Why couldn't I just handle two? Eventually my dad started having family gatherings at his house, and I was so relieved. I am very familiar with it, I feel more at home there, and the bathrooms and bedrooms are far away from all the action if quiet is needed... I don't know what caused my dad to start having gatherings at his house or if it had anything to do with me, but I was very happy. The main challenges became having multiple events in the same day and dealing with all the people.
A few years ago, before starting my self-discovery journey, I asked my mom if we could start having our family gatherings on a different day so that I could more easily attend both gatherings and avoid letting either of them down. Unfortunately, my twin brother is the golden child and he lives in a different state. She prefers to have gatherings the same day as my dad, because it means she will get to see her favorite child. As hard as it is for me, I do understand that. So, I have continued to try to find ways to accommodate myself. My sister, who has become the primary cook in the family, has changed the Christmas Eve gathering to be on the 23rd instead of the 24th. This unfortunately has not helped me since I've never attended my dad's Christmas Eve gatherings. This is because it has traditionally been about drinking and eating fried food. My body doesn't tolerate fried food very well, and I no longer drink alcohol. So, not my scene, sadly. I also go to my mom's house on Christmas Even in order to open presents with them on Christmas morning, so there is still a conflict.
In 2020 and 2021, my mom was taking Covid very seriously, insisting all of us get vaccinated before hosting a family gathering and making sure to protect her parents. My dad's side of the family, sadly, were not this way. Many of them never got vaccinated and refused to mask. While visiting with them, I would have to listen to anti-mask rhetoric, anti-vax rhetoric, and regular attacks on disabled people. It made an already challenging situation so much worse. I never said a word. As much as it hurt, I never pushed back, because I didn't want them all to gang up on me, I wanted to keep the peace, and I was able to separate the things they were saying from who they are as people. I was able to do this until late 2024 when it became apparent to me that we had access to very different information and the amount of disinformation being spread to mislead people, including them, was out of hand. By this point, it was about 10 years too late, and sharing information only served the purpose of getting me into arguments with them. This made me want to isolate even more. It's wild now, because now they can just not think about any of it and not worry about it at all while people are actively being hurt, including disabled people like me. I'm not able to do that and it is still causing strain in my relationships with family.
In 2023, I went through a very challenging situation which triggered what I now know was burnout and skill regression. After that, I wasn't able to attend family gatherings, because I simply did not have the capacity for it. I did not go to my mom's or my dad's for Thanksgiving. This turned out to be the best decision I could have made for myself without even knowing it. My sister and nephews were all sick, and instead of canceling or rescheduling, my mom had my sister prepare a bunch of food and invite everyone over anyway. They planned to stay upstairs while everyone was there, as if that would make any difference. I explained they could still get people sick, even if they were no longer in the room. How did keeping up appearances and sticking to traditions become more important than keeping each other safe? It's not okay. To make matters worse, at Christmas time that same year, my sister and nephews were sick again. Stupidly, I did not want to miss out on Christmas, so I reluctantly went. I stayed masked the entire time, did not eat with them, took my air purifier with me, and left as soon as my dad was able to pick me up the next morning. He told me I shouldn't have gone, and I agree with him. I spent the day with him and that made me feel a little better after such a rough year. This whole experience showed me I wasn't doing enough to stay safe, and that others really don't care if they get sick or get others sick. This is why we are where we are now and it sucks.
In 2024, I did not go to Thanksgiving at either family's house because of all my issues, plus the fear of getting sick and the distress about the hell we were bout to endure and that my family cheered on. I thought I'd be able to see my dad on Christmas Day as we'd done the previous year, hoping it would be our new tradition. Unfortunately, this was not the case, but I did see him in early January, 2025. I think he was upset with me for not attending Thanksgiving, because we ran into the same issue in 2025. I sent him a text message the night before Thanksgiving asking if we could set up something separate and if he could stop by some time so we could talk one-on-one, face-to-face. I think asking him to stop by was interpreted as an attempt to speak to him privately rather than what it actually was, an attempt to make connecting with him easier. We have had some good conversations in person, but on the phone it's a little more awkward. I had a couple of questions for him related to my self-discovery journey and everything I've been making sense of. There was a moment last January where I thought we were connecting, so I thought he might have some answers for me. Instead of stopping by, he called me and I was put on the spot. The conversation was completely derailed, entirely missing the point. Too much focus was put on things I did not plan to talk about and I did not say a lot of things I intended to say. During this conversation, it became very clear to me how hurt he was that I wasn't attending Thanksgiving. He said I was a part of the family and should be there. He said I could change my mind and just to let him know the next day. I wanted to go for his sake, and my partner did as well. Unfortunately, life had other plans.
One of the reasons I wanted him to come see me was that I needed to ask for help with an issue. Because he refused, I didn't feel comfortable asking for anything since asking for help is already incredibly challenging for me. So, I decided to just handle it myself. I was very upset about how our conversation went, anxious about what it meant for our relationship, and overwhelmed by the issue I was trying to manage on my own. So, I still didn't go and I let him down. A couple of days before Christmas, I reached out to him and apologized for how our conversation went and let him know I still wanted to see him if he was up for it. My partner and I were able to visit him the day after Christmas and it went well. Such a relief.
2025 was really, really hard for me, so I let my mom know I was looking for ways to connect and traditions we could revive that are still accessible to me. One of those traditions is making orange balls. I used to make them every year with my mom and niece, but we haven't done it in years. Well, on Monday, December 22, my partner and I went to my mom's house to make orange balls with her. I told my mom the experience was "so healing." She didn't understand, but I am not surprised and I don't even care. It meant a lot to me, and I thanked her repeatedly for indulging me. After the fact, I found out my grandfather loves our orange balls, so I am glad I took the leap of faith and asked to make them. He got to enjoy them too, and that makes me so happy.
On Christmas Eve, my partner and I packed up and went to spend the night at my mom's house to open presents with them on Christmas morning. We stayed in the room we always stay in, but it doesn't feel like our space anymore, sadly. My nephew and their dog have been sleeping in that room and the dog has clearly used the carpet as a pee pad repeatedly. When we first arrived, it didn't smell too bad in there, but once we set up the air purifier (which I need because of allergies), the smell of dog piss became suffocating. We had a great time, really enjoyed opening presents with them, and love that tradition, but we no longer feel that is our space and well, the smell made us miserable. So, that's something we'll have to wrestle with and another battle we'll have to overcome.
After we returned home on Christmas Day, my partner and I celebrated with our friend Daniel. We had a delicious catered meal. Then, the next day we saw my dad, which went well. On New Year's Day, we had another catered meal, including collards and black eyed peas as is tradition. It was absolutely delicious! And if you think that's it, surprise! We ended the holiday season with a visit from friends we haven't seen in years. It was amazing. We took a picture together while they were here, seven adults and one dog. I felt a little like the person I used to be for a little while, and that was nice. I'm glad it worked out, and that everyone had a good time.
Family gatherings have always been challenging for me, and they have increasingly become more difficult over the years. When I was younger, I didn't understand my experience and would try to push through for other people's benefit. Now, I have less capacity, I am the only one in my family who is still covid cautious, political differences have become impossible to ignore, old trauma has reared its ugly head, and I prefer to connect with intention instead of just going through the motions with people. However, I also want to consider other people's needs and values. I have been trying to balance my needs and values with theirs, and well, it has honestly been a shit show. I am going to keep on trying, though, and I hope those who love me won't give up, either. If you're interested in this topic, I highly recommend this article on Neurodivergent Insights: Navigating Conflicting Needs and Values During the Holidays as a Neurodivergent Person.
I really enjoyed the holidays this year, and I am so grateful for everyone who made it possible. It was comforting, healing, intentional, and brought back some of that childhood holiday magic that was much needed. The girl who loved the holidays is the woman who still loves the holidays. I appreciate everyone who was gentle, supportive, and accommodating even if they didn't really understand my needs. If you've read this, thank you! I hope you had a good holiday season as well, whatever that looks like for you.