Let's talk about connection. I've been thinking a lot about how I show up in relationships with others, and how differences in expectations have caused misunderstandings and conflict. I value connection, reciprocity, and honest communication; I'm very sensitive to any imbalance. However, differences in expectations have created many struggles and even lost connections. Here's a list of some of the ways I prefer to connect, as well as some examples of the struggles I've faced.
- I feel a sense of connection and togetherness just by spending time with other people. This has caused conflict, because people I spend time with regularly mean more to me than I mean to them. It takes me a long time to feel comfortable expressing myself in front of others, and even if I'm comfortable, I don't prioritize verbal communication as much as others might. This means that I can be very quiet and still draw comfort from, and develop attachment to, those I am spending time with. I've been told, "You never talk." Actually, I do talk, sometimes I have a lot to say. However, I'm not comfortable inserting myself into group conversations just to be heard, and I'm not going to force myself to talk for other people's benefit. With that said, I'm mostly an open book and always happy to share my perspective when asked.
- The people I spend time with become a part of my daily routine, and I sometimes get upset if they suddenly stop coming around. It took me a long time to figure out what was going on, because all I knew is that I felt rejected. Rejection sensitivity was only part of the problem. I do much better when I know exactly what to expect, and why things are happening. I handle these unexpected changes so much better now, but this has caused many issues with friends in the past.
- I share information to connect. This is true even on social media. I share information I think others will find helpful or interesting. In romantic relationships, this also shows up as not knowing when it is the appropriate time to share deeply personal information. I think I'm helping them understand me, because all I want is to be understood and supported, but it's too much for most people. It really hurts finding out someone I trusted has been discussing personal details of my life with others who don't know me. The weight of what I shared was clearly too much, so instead of getting the understanding and support I was seeking, the result was them seeking support elsewhere for a burden that was never theirs to carry. It's never my intention to burden anyone with my problems.
- I feel everything very deeply. My heart is filled with the joy and beauty in everyday experiences, but my heart and trust is also easily broken by cruelty and coldness in this harsh world that I don't feel like I belong in. I am deeply empathic, and I always have been, but emotional awareness has been developing throughout my life. I feel others' emotions as well as my own very strongly, but I have had to practice putting feelings into words. Journaling, blogging, and verbally processing with others has helped tremendously with this. As a child, my mom once told me, "You're not sad," because I supposedly wasn't crying the right way. What is the right way? Sometimes, I would suddenly feel intense anger and lash out at others without knowing why. As a teenager, I wrote a poem expressing feeling like life was too much to handle, and being asked in front of everyone what feeling that poem was describing. I couldn't answer. Even now, most of the time, I'm honestly in a neutral state that I can't really describe. If I'm crying at all, it's because I'm completely overwhelmed with emotion. This surprises people who see me as overly emotional or too sensitive.
- Getting to know my partner doesn't look the same for me as it does for others. I may not remember all the little details, but that doesn't make the love I feel any less real. To illustrate this, I'll share an experience from college. My roommate gave me and my then boyfriend a relationship test, where she asked us a bunch of questions to see how well we knew each other. We'd been together for 6 years, but we weren't able to answer most of the questions. This was very confusing and upsetting at the time, but now I have a different perspective. As I progress on my self-discovery journey, the more convinced I am that most of my previous partners were also neurodivergent. We were connected and we loved each other, but our connection was different than what others expect. Not any less real, not any less valid.
- I forget to reach out to those who aren't a part of my daily routine. I have friends I love who I rarely speak to, but when we do talk, it's like no time has passed at all. These are, in some cases, people I once connected with on a daily basis, but how I feel about them hasn't changed. I also really struggle to reach out when it has been a long time, because I don't want to bother anyone.
- I avoid friends' phone calls on purpose. One-on-one conversations take a lot of energy, even when I want to talk to the person who is calling. In group settings, there is less pressure to talk, and less attention directly on me. Unfortunately conflicting needs means I've lost many opportunities to connect with people who mean a lot to me. For example, I have a friend who prefers talking on the phone, but I prefer texting. We go months without talking because of this.
- I show love in what could be considered "weird" ways. I make those I care about a part of my daily routine; I enjoy their company even when we're doing different things. I share music, articles, videos, and information with them. I love vocal stimming at them, and it makes me super happy when they do it back. I love giving gifts, but not when there is an expectation for me to do so, and I hate receiving gifts out of obligation.
- I prefer low pressure group activities. Some people find it easier to connect with others when they're engaged in a shared activity. I enjoy these activities, but only when it is low pressure. I love playing games with my friends, for example, but not games that have any sort of time pressure or where others are relying on me to perform well. Anxiety and fear of rejection make it difficult for me to actually enjoy myself in those situations.
- Different situations require different types of communication. Speaking can be difficult when I'm feeling strong emotions. In these cases, I may write a letter, send a song, or respond via text instead of verbally. In some cases, I may need some time to process how I'm feeling before communicating.
Everything listed above has caused some level of miscommunication, misunderstandings, and/or conflict in my relationships. I'm very grateful for the few long-term friends I have who have stuck by me even when I've made their lives difficult. I'm aware I'm not always the easiest to deal with, but that's okay. They're not always easy to deal with either, but we always work through issues and support each other. Challenges will arise in any relationship. It's how you deal with those challenges that matters. I appreciate those people I can show up authentically around, and I love that my journey of self-discovery has helped those around me as well.
Thank you so much for reading this post. I hope it's helpful! Sending love to anyone who is also on their healing and self-discovery journey! 💙