I wrote the following poem in high school. Recently a memory of this poem being read aloud by my English teacher at our after school Coffee House resurfaced. She was my favorite teacher, I loved the Coffee House, and I loved to write poetry. I was very proud of this poem, but I was not prepared for the question the teacher asked me after she read it: "What emotion is this poem describing?" I was not able to answer her, and instead attempted to deflect the question by saying that people can apply it to whatever they want. As uncomfortable as it is for me to talk about this, I am sharing it because it is a great example of alexithymia.
You can tell from reading the poem that I felt emotions very strongly. I just had a lot of trouble making sense of them and describing them. In fact, you may know from reading my other posts that I have often been seen as too emotional or overly sensitive. This is because alexithymia is tied to interoception, and because I had trouble understanding and interpreting sensations inside my body, emotions would just hit me like a wave out of nowhere. I would suddenly burst into tears or suddenly feel rage at whoever the nearest person was, and not really know why.
Although this poem is written as if some sort of life-changing event just happened, it's actually describing what life felt like for me in general. As soon as I'd get my head above water, I'd get knocked down again and dragged across the rocks. Just existing felt painful, and I didn't really know why. So, I attempted to craft the perfect poem to express what life felt like to me, thinking it would be relatable to others.
Beyond The Darkness
Teardrops fall like rain,
Fists pound like thunder.
Nothing will ever be the same,
The tide has taken me under.
The pressure is so great,
I cannot breathe.
This is too much pain,
I’m unable to break free.
Sliding further and further away
From what I know as happiness
Bright sunlight fades to grey,
And then simply darkness.
Colder and colder it gets.
As bright red flows from my gashes
Blood I will never see - oh, I miss
The light Beyond the Darkness.