In March 2025, my uncle went missing. He has been on my mind ever since, and this has only intensified since his remains were found recently. In Nature vs. Nurture, I wrote about him and some other family members, how they have developed coping mechanisms to survive a complete lack of support, both in institutions and within their own family. These strategies may be unhealthy, and may harm others in addition to themselves, but it is all they know.
It’s devastating how normalized abuse is, to the point that people choose to pretend it isn't happening, rather than putting a stop to it. Additionally, raising children to be seen and not heard means they don't ask for help and instead internalize their experience to the point that their whole life falls apart, all cries for help being ignored as just causing problems.
A teenager who skips school to get high is obviously in distress. The learning environment and social requirements must not work for them. If they're experiencing abuse at home and can't tell anyone, struggling in school and don't have any support, and can't integrate into social groups with their peers, it makes sense that they would say, I don't want to feel any of this anymore. If the only people offering any acceptance and connection are offering an escape in the form of drugs, of course someone who is struggling would take them, numb out, make existing more tolerable for a time.
If these cries for help were met with harsh disapproval, cold detachment, or completely ignored, this person would likely feel more alone. Without adequate education and family support to build a better life, all there is to do is survive by any means necessary, and look for whatever thrills life has to offer. Holding onto jobs just long enough to afford the next high, stealing from family members and occasionally businesses, begging for money just to get the next fix. It's heartbreaking.
At times my uncle attempted to turn his life around, or at least give that impression. He would go to rehab or start a new job, only for things to fall apart. He attempted to get into religion for a time, likely to please my grandmother. These actions were to give the appearance of a capable adult without the skills, resources, and support to actually sustain such a lifestyle. My grandparents, especially my grandmother, always made sure he had a roof over his head, food to eat, and a working cell phone. My mother, sister, and I also would ensure his needs were met. My mom would pay him to do work for her, my sister would take him food, I gave him a smartphone to use, etc. Although some family members would help him, they were highly critical of him and his life choices. Some felt no compassion for him, and believed he was just taking advantage and shouldn’t receive any financial support from my grandmother.
Through my self-discovery journey, I have learned so much about myself and the things I find challenging; I have also identified some similarities in struggles faced by family members. Instead of being understanding and supportive, most of them are very ableist and see any difficult behavior as a choice, something that should be corrected. When anyone in the family does something they don't like, they gossip about that person, and in some cases will treat them differently. People can feel when someone doesn't like them or approve of something they're doing, but they may not know why that is, what they're doing wrong, or be able to correct it.
It’s possible my uncle felt this many times throughout his life. I can say for sure I have felt it, and I have witnessed other family members being treated this way. There is a young person in my family, who I recognized had ADHD when they were in elementary school. However, this was ignored, and now that they themselves are aware of it, others judge them for seeing help or claim this isn't the case. Another young person in my family with diagnosed ADHD has had medication withheld from them. Now they are struggling with other mental health challenges, social difficulties, and problems at school. The one person who claims to support them doesn't want them on any medication, won't take them to therapy, and doesn't want them diagnosed with anything else. Others judge them for their behavioral challenges, and their disapproval is probably felt by this person.
My uncle internalized abuse, struggled socially and with school, and ended up addicted to drugs because he did not have the support he needed. Others in my family have struggled immensely, but have learned to mask, cope, push through and in turn, they are critical of anyone who can't just do the same. Fall in line, get with the program, get your act together. The young person with undiagnosed ADHD pushed through school and then discovered things didn’t have to be so hard. I am happy for them. The other young person who is struggling with their mental health, socially, and with school shouldn't have to just push through. I wish those who have a say in this person's life understood that being accepting and supportive means changing your approach when what you're doing isn't working. If the learning environment at school doesn't work, alternatives exist. Labels are helpful, because kids are receiving them anyway and it helps to know how to address what's going on and that they're not broken. Good therapists do exist and medication is necessary for some people. If it is for this person, that is okay. Everyone failed my uncle, but that doesn't have to be the case this time. We can choose to do things differently.
The death of my uncle has hit me harder than expected. Even though I've had over a year to come to terms with it, there is a certain finality that comes with him actually being found. He did not live an easy life, and he deserved to be treated better by the people who claimed to love him. My hope is that things will change in my family, and that the mistakes of the past will be addressed so we can stop repeating them. The struggling young person in my family deserves help that I hope is given to them before it is too late, and we all deserve support and to stop repeating harmful patterns of the past.
That is all. Thanks for reading.