Here is a list of some of the surprising things I've learned during my self-discovery journey. I did not understand these experiences for most of my life, and I believed I was the only one having them. As it turns out, I am not. This is why, although this list is very personal, I am sharing it here. If you experience, or have experienced, any of these, you are not alone.
Being Uncomfortable when people are watching me/fear of being perceived: When I was a teenager, my stepmom decided I should start serving myself at mealtimes. Instead of doing this, I wouldn't eat the entire weekend when I would go to their house. This has also made it challenging to do chores when other people were home. When I took Fitness Walking as a freshman in college, I would call my mom during class to deal with the discomfort I felt. I would also call her when walking between buildings. Living in the on campus apartments, I wouldn't make food if my roommates were in the common area. I have also struggled with things like taking out the trash, checking the mail, and going for walks because neighbors could see me.
Discomfort/avoidance of calling people by name, disliking it when people use my name in conversation: This has even extended to refusal to answer the question, "Do you know who I am?" Even if I do, even if they're family, I will struggle to say their name. There is a part of me that fears getting someone's name wrong, regardless of how well I know them. I've heard some people say it can feel too intimate, and that is definitely a factor. It may be related to the fear of being perceived, because I have always hated my name. As a child, I would dream of changing it, and having a different life. I was fascinated by names and how they were spelled; I would write them all down and rearrange them into different combinations. One time a friend caught me doing this, putting their last name with someone else's first name and it was painfully awkward. She yelled at me. Still, even with my fascination with names, I did not like saying them. Even now, when I refer to my friends, it's always with nicknames or I intentionally make their name cute, like Ashwee instead of Ashley, Dariariariariaria instead of Daria, or Daniella Ella Ella ay ay instead of Daniel.
Feeling like I'm being watched even when no one is around/abnormal perceptions: As a child, I would feel changes in the environment, sometimes a breeze where there shouldn't be one, sometimes a presence watching me. My mom would leave me alone, and I would suddenly yell for her. One time, the power went out and I was playing in my room. I didn't immediately go to the living room with my family, that is until I felt a breeze, like the air was displaced as if someone had just walked by me. Because my siblings were such wonderful bullies who could do no wrong, one of them decided to grab my leg as I stepped down into the sunken living room, and this is how I developed a fear of the dark. These abnormal perceptions are not unique to me, they are common and are not evidence of psychosis; if a child is experiencing them, they're not being clingy or looking for attention. I experienced real fear, and the shaming I received because of it did not help. One time, I was yelling for my mom while I was in the bathroom. My aunt showed up holding my cousin. She said, "Jessie wants attention, so we're going to give it to her. She stood there and stared at me until I closed the door in her face.
Stressful, realistic dreams from a young age: My dreams reflected what reality felt like. I was aware people could be gone in an instant and that one day, I would be expected to live my life on my own. Life has always felt chaotic, unpredictable, and stressful. I did not feel safe or in control, and my dreams reflected that. The only thing my mom could tell me was, "think about something positive before you go to sleep," but that did not make a difference. I would still dream of things like house fires, shootings, home invasions, and losing loved ones. As an adult, I still regularly have nightmares and weird, stressful dreams. Sometimes they will affect me for the rest of the day, but sometimes I don't remember them at all. It's just my normal, and I am not alone.
Spoken rituals to keep others safe: For example, every night before my mom went to bed, I would tell her the exact same thing in exactly the same way. I believed this prevented bad things from happening to her the next day. This included "take care and drive safe," because I was terrified of losing her in a car accident. In 2015, she showed up at my house randomly one afternoon driving a rental car. She had been in a car accident, and wanted me to see she was okay before I found out about it. I appreciated that. I must tell loved ones "I love you" before ending a phone call. If not, it doesn't feel right and I fear something bad will happen. Additionally, my partner and I have a ritual we say together every night, initiated by him. It feels weird when he falls asleep before we say it, and it brings us both comfort. It's nice and sweet, and a great way to end the night.
Thinking something bad has happened to someone if they don't respond at their normal speed or don't follow their normal routine: For example, I used to irritate a friend by waking him up if he wasn't out of bed by the afternoon. I had to make sure he was alive and okay. If someone usually respond quickly and suddenly they're not replying, I won't think they're mad at me, I will think something bad has happened to them. It's horrible.
Convincing myself something bad is happening/experiencing it in my mind with all my senses to keep people safe: If I think everything is fine, something bad will happen. If I think something bad is happening, everyone will remain safe. I have an extremely vivid imagination, which is why my dreams are so realistic. I can experience this when awake too, whenever my brain wants to scare the shit out of me. Everything bad seems to happen when you least expect it, you can't always be prepared for what life will throw at you. I really need to know what to expect. This is called expectation sensitivity, but since I cannot prevent horrible things from happening, my brain tries to use reverse psychology on the universe to keep everyone safe and in a nice, calm, predictable bubble. I am working on this, because I am fully aware it only serves the purpose of making me constantly miserable.
Avoidance of anything that makes noise, vibrates, or gets hot: This on its own could just be sensory related as it originally was for me. I've never liked the sound of a vacuum or the way it vibrates my hand when I use it. The accommodation that works for most people is noise canceling headphones, but I have to hear my surroundings so they only make things worse for me. The accommodation that does work is a robot vacuum, plus a cordless vacuum for short cleaning sessions. I also don't like the sound and vibration of the dryer. My accommodation for this is asking someone else to start it, and closing doors between me and the dryer. This issue teams up with my OCD at times to make me miserable, because I am aware of what could go wrong. If I think it's actually happening the whole time, it won't happen, right?
Being suddenly filled with rage and lashing out at whoever was nearby as a child: I had to tolerate a lot of sensory discomfort as well as routine disruptions as a child. My siblings loved to do things to provoke me, finding it funny to upset me and taking advantage of my blindness. People love to talk about how I would "fight" with my siblings but it's likely what they were seeing was distress finally bubbling out of me. I lashed out at my grandma once, because she was helping me with my homework and pronouncing a word differently than my teacher; therefore, she was pronouncing it incorrectly. She refused to change her pronunciation, so I refused to continue doing my work. She found me in the back of my brothers' closet, where I called her "fat" because I knew she would be horrified and leave me alone. It worked. Another time, I was staying at a friend's house. I didn't like being away from my home environment, and was uncomfortable but couldn't show it. All of a sudden, I started fighting with her younger brother in the hallway. I feel bad for him, because wtf? But that helped release some of the tension and I got through the rest of the visit without incident. Another time, I was in the bathroom at school. I loved going to the bathroom to take a sensory break, multiple times a day. A friend was there, and I attacked her without warning. The rage passed and I let her go. I wasn't mad at her, she didn't do anything to me. So weird. And lastly, there was a time I was in the pool and angrily went after my brother. He didn't do anything in that moment to provoke me, at least that I can remember. I rushed toward him, filled with rage, and he attempted to drown me. He held me under water long enough that it was clear my life was in danger, so I started biting him all over. When he let me go, no one was concerned about me, only him and his bite marks.
Getting overwhelmed or frustrated when completing tasks with multiple steps/process complexity: I love technology, but I am also easily overwhelmed by it. Many years ago, when I was attempting to be a social butterfly, I wanted to learn to use loop Back on macOS to patch two servers together. It was my first time doing this, and I did not want to mess up. I didn't get it right on the first try and everyone got to hear screeching feedback in their ears. That was very overstimulating, and when I was getting overwhelmed, I said, "I like technology," someone said, "It doesn't seem like you do." I learn best when there is no pressure to get it right and I can focus on doing things one step at a time. Patching became very easy, unlike socializing, which I continued to get wrong. Struggling with process complexity doesn't indicate skill or interest. Learning in a different way, at a slower pace, or in a calmer environment may work better.
That's all I have for now. I hope this list helps someone. For more information, check out OCD vs. Autism: Overlap, Differences, and the Power of "and" or Autism, ADHD, and OCD: How They Overlap and What Sets Them Apart. Thanks for reading!