The past several months have been very challenging for me, as they have for most people. The goal is to keep us divided, and for us to feel overwhelmed and powerless. No one can do everything, but everyone can do something. All resistance makes a difference.
I’ve always struggled with politics, because I find any power imbalance and oppression intolerable. So, it’s very difficult for me right now, when pure evil is out on full display, and it’s being celebrated. This horrifies and disgusts me. I can’t believe this is real. Sometimes, to be honest, it doesn’t feel like it.
The gravity and reality of the situation we’re in hit me full force when I started getting into arguments with family members over facts. I was being called “radical” for simply caring about people. I don’t formulate an opinion if I don’t have enough information, and I’m not someone who is of the us versus them mentality. I never have been. I look at everything through the lens of what would benefit everyone, not just the elite, not just white people, not just men, not just able-bodied people, all of us. It’s extremely distressing that so many people, my loved ones included, are supporting their own oppression, because of a combination of: being brainwashed by conspiracy theories and intentional disinformation for years, internalized beliefs they haven’t confronted, and the need to conform for survival.
It’s very hard to hear “I love you” from someone who also supports the loss of women’s rights, and proudly claims they “love” someone who does not know or give a damn about them and who openly mocks disabled people. It’s distressing to hear family members repeat conspiracy theories supporting eugenics, celebrating the attack on the systems that keep disabled people like me alive, and repeating hateful rhetoric attacking other marginalized communities. Can’t they see we’re all in this together? We’re all human, we all deserve love, support, acceptance, and to thrive in our own ways. Can’t they see they’re contributing to their own oppression by supporting the oppression of other communities? It’s heartbreaking.
Not only that, but as soon as I say anything, they’re “worried about my mental health,” I’m “being selfish” if I’m worried about my benefits (even though I’m clearly concerned about the survival of all disabled people, but okay), and I’m “being dramatic/overreacting” because “nothing I’m afraid of will happen.”
I can’t tell people what I see, because I don’t know what I’m talking about. I can’t tell people what I feel, because I’m being too sensitive. I can’t tell people what I know, because apparently lies are facts and facts are fake news.
This is 100% intentional. We’re not supposed to be able to agree on what’s real and what’s not. This is psychological warfare. It’s mass scale narcissistic abuse, and it has been going on for at least 10 years.
In the months leading up to November, I had this feeling of dread. Intuitively, I knew what was going to happen. However, there was so much evidence that my intuition was wrong that I hoped it was just fear. Along with a bunch of other intuitive people, I felt the weird energy shift in November. It felt wrong. Because I knew what was coming, I fell into despair for a few days. I didn’t know how we were going to make it, and it was extremely distressing that many people in my support system were either happy about the results or indifferent. Ignorance and privilege must be bliss, I guess. Luckily, I have a very supportive partner and a few close friends I could vent to. I found any shred of hope I could cling to, including the fact that the data shows the results were manipulated, there was a lot of intense Astrology at the time, and people have to do the right thing, right? I hung onto my delusions for the next couple of months, looking for clues that things would turn around. They didn’t.
On January 19th, when TikTok went down, I defiantly deleted it from my phone and haven’t used it since. Not only was the ban a political stunt, but the app was/is being used to manipulate people. It’s actually all social media, especially Twitter and the Meta apps. Hate speech is now allowed, they got rid of fact checking, and lies get pushed while the truth gets suppressed. I wanted to tell people to please get off of Facebook and stop watching conspiracy videos on YouTube, but they’re too far gone and wouldn’t listen to me anyway.
There was also a point a few months ago when someone who means a lot to me said something that was so validating: “I think you get your sensitivity from me.” I’ve always felt that, but never expected it to be confirmed and reflected back to me. Then, they said, “Do you know what it is?” I think they were honestly looking for answers, because they have been struggling lately. However, this put me between a rock and a hard place. I wanted, more than anything, to help them, but I don’t know how they’d take the information and I am afraid it would be used against them. Seeing as how there are people around them who support what’s going on right now, I chose to keep them safe. I simply said, “We just have more sensitive nervous systems than other people,” and then went on to explain nervous system regulation and co-regulation. I wondered for months if I made the right decision, and was afraid I hadn’t until I saw the latest blatant attack making the rounds in the news. It very much feels like we are repeating the worst parts of history, and adding groups of people who are deemed unworthy of existence to lists for research and attempted eradication is just the latest example in a barrage of horrifying attacks on anyone who doesn’t conform, cannot work, or is seen as weak or undesirable. This is no surprise, really, considering that disabled people and the elderly have been willingly sacrificed for the past 5 years so everyone could pretend it’s still 2019 while they kill and disable each other.
So what have I been doing to survive?
- I deleted TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook. The accounts are still there, but for my own mental health, I am not.
- I was also removed from a “support group” on WhatsApp at the worst time possible, and then told I could come back for the pleasure of being kicked out again, so I deleted that app as well.
- I use calming apps, like Finch.
- I labeled my contacts with shapes and colors based on who is safe and who isn’t so I can protect my energy.
- I unsubscribed from most Substacks and YouTube channels focused on the “news.”
- I only watch videos in my subscriptions on YouTube, and I never play the autoplay game.
- I'm only active on Mastodon and I’m mindful of how I feel and what kinds of posts I’m seeing. There is no algorithm, so I get to connect with people without the added bonus of being manipulated.
- I listen to podcasts and read books.
- I write, listen to music, exercise, and co-regulate with my partner.
- I accommodate myself in whatever ways are possible: asking for help, saying no to family gatherings, taking care of my sensory needs, etc.
- I let myself find joy. I seek out positive content on Mastodon, do things that make me happy even if other people think I’m weird, and regularly enjoy calming down with Reiki videos.
It’s so strange to finally be in a place of self-acceptance after 6 years of spinning my wheels, trying to figure out what was wrong with me and why I couldn’t connect with people. I understand myself, I know what I need, I’m in the best relationship I’ve ever been in, I have friends who love the real me, and I feel like a younger version of myself in all the best ways. I’m simultaneously the happiest I’ve ever been and the most horrified by human cruelty I’ve ever been. I was forced to confront all of the injustice. I could no longer distance myself from it or separate the people around me from the things they actively support. At the same time, I am aware they’re brainwashed and being used and manipulated. It’s very painful at a time when I’m also experiencing so much joy. That’s duality for you.
Anyway, I’m still holding out hope that things will improve. There is still a small part of me that feels like this can’t be real, and we’re all just being punked. The Astrology is still intense and it’s reflecting the intensity here and around the world, so let’s try to keep the faith. Don’t let them break you. Resist whenever possible, in whatever ways are reasonable for you. Stand up for those who cannot stand up for themselves. Remember that we are all in this together, and spread love, not hate. Sending so much love to anyone who reads this, especially anyone who is a part of any community being targeted right now. 💙