They say time heals all wounds, but it hasn't healed mine. I carry each painful experience and every loss with me. My mind replays painful memories and I experience them as if they're happening in the present. It is almost impossible for me to let go of people I've lost, whether by physical death or by forced disconnection.
My brother died in 2012, and I miss him even more as time goes on. I'm used to living with the grief, but the intensity is still the same. I've realized how much we actually had in common, and how I should have tried to connect with him and appreciate him more when he was alive. Now, he's gone and that's final. Nothing will change our interactions while he was alive, and that's heartbreaking. I have channeled him a few times, however, and that has been healing.
I've written about a friend I lost in 2024, and although I've healed quite a bit, I still haven't let go. I know she doesn't want me in her life, but there is still a part of me that hopes one day we can have some contact. In fact, I recently wrote a letter and asked a mutual friend to deliver it. I don't know if it was received, if she would even read it, or if it just made things worse, but I don't really have anything to lose.
On the other hand, sometimes letting go is easy, at least in the moment. There are times when you just know what has to be done, because otherwise people will string you along and repeatedly draw you into toxic patterns. As soon as my ex left my house in 2023, I sent him a message; when he read it but didn't respond, I was able to cut him off and move on. At age 14 I began dating someone I'd go through toxic cycles with for 6 years; over a decade after the last time we saw each other, he attempted to draw me back in. Nothing good could have come from that, so he must remain blocked. Sometimes it's easy, and sometimes it isn't. In both of these cases, I still care about them and want the best for them; they just cannot be in my life.
So, if time doesn't help me heal, what does?
- A lot of processing, both internally (my own thoughts), and externally through writing and talking to a trusted person. I still talk about the friend I lost over a year and a half ago, but how I talk about the situation has changed. Writing is a great way to externally process, because I can literally look back at how I wrote about a situation in the past vs. how I see it in the present.
- Understanding the sequence of events: I will write down everything that happened multiple times to build a narrative around what happened. These narratives change over time as I heal. At first, they are written from a wounded place, but time and distance allow me to develop a more objective perspective.
- Understanding why things happened: The thing I got stuck on for the longest amount of time after the breakup in 2023 was why. Why did he just blow up my life for nothing? A lot of times people's intentions are unclear; they may not even know their intensions (especially if they're impulsive and unaware of their own emotions); and even if they know, they may not be honest with you. So, it's very easy to get stuck on the why.
- Making meaning out of what happened: Realizing there has been growth because of the experience, understanding myself and others better, building self-awareness, noticing toxic patterns and refusing to repeat those cycles again are all helpful.
- Realizing life is better without that person: Sometimes when the dust settles, all you can do is be grateful it's over. I feel this way about multiple past relationships, and I wouldn't be surprised if that's how the friend who cut me off feels about me. If her life is better without me, as painful as it is, I am very happy for her.
The most helpful thing for moving forward when I cannot change a situation is agency. No, I cannot change what happened, nor can I avoid the grief. What I can do, however, is choose what I do with it. I can love and appreciate those who choose to be in my life. I can use everything I've learned to develop even more compassion for others, even when I don't understand their actions. I can distance myself from people who aren't right for me, both for their well-being and for mine. I can write about things I've learned to potentially help others. I can love myself and be more gentle with myself when struggling with things others don't understand.
So if, like me, you struggle with grief and letting go, know you're not alone. Losing people isn't easy. Be gentle with yourself; continue to love yourself and others, even though it's painful. Never change. Loving, compassionate people are needed in this cruel world!