In the last blog post, I mentioned being in the best relationship I’ve ever been in, and what I’d like to do here is explain why that is and what healing in a safe relationship looks like for me.
One of the major things that sets this relationship apart from others is that we were friends for a long time, 6 years, before we started dating. I'm not talking about a situationship or friends with benefits. We were just friends. In fact, I never expected us to end up together. That was a curveball I didn't see coming. The beautiful thing about being friends for so long is that we'd already experienced conflict. There were misunderstandings, disagreements, and periods of time when we had no contact with each other. In 2019, we stopped talking for 3 months, and I thought our friendship was over. Yet somehow we managed to reconnect, and I'm so glad we did. We were able to support each other through life's ups and downs, and witness each other's growth over time. We've seen each other at our best and worst, been there for the wins and the losses, for the things we're proud of and the mistakes we hope never to repeat.
In 2023, I was forced, through some very difficult situations, to discover a lot about myself, what I want, and what I actually need. A lot was changing in my life at once, and friends and family tried to support me, but he was able to connect with me in a way that others weren't. This is because he'd been through a similar situation and he was willing to listen to me talk about things I learned, connections I'd made, and patterns I was seeing. Instead of bonding with me by being negative about people who hurt me, he understood my need to make sense out of what happened. He provided practical and emotional support, accepted me as the broken mess I was, and let me talk about everything I was processing. He was calm, steady, and consistent. I knew I could rely on him.
He actively chose to spend time with me, so as I healed, we developed a routine of playing online games with each other every morning. I usually don't enjoy competitive games, but he showed me that they can be fun with the right people. He also understood my triggers, like the fact that I don't care if I win or lose, but I will get upset if there is no chance to win. Everything has to be fair, and he didn't have an issue with that.
In February, 2024, a mutual friend bought him a plane ticket to visit me. Unlike previous situations, we were just friends, there was no expectation for sex or a relationship, and he wasn't trying to move in with me without my consent. This meant there was no pressure, and we could just enjoy spending time together without the extra baggage.
In early April, 2024, I got very sick 2 weekends in a row. My body rejected/developed an allergy to food I'd had several times before and really enjoyed. The first time I didn't know what caused my sickness, so I consumed the same meal the next weekend with much worse consequences. My current partner/then friend was amazing. He made sure I had everything I needed, helped me buy food for the recovery process, and stayed with me through it all. The first time wasn't so bad, mostly nausea and discomfort. The second time, however, was horrible: vometing and diarrhea. He kept me calm, told me stories, and comforted me. I was physically unable to mute so he heard everything, but he didn't seem grossed out or make me feel worse. He reassured me that it was okay, and that I would be okay. I felt so loved and cared for, but it was mortifying. I would never want anyone to hear that, but like other examples above, it was another thing that signaled safety.
On April 28, 2024, my friend flew across the country and we met in person for the first time. The transition from online to in person was like nothing. Because we’d spent so much time together over the years, we were already comfortable around each other. Because I’d been sick a few weeks prior, there was absolutely nothing to hide. Normally I would be concerned about making a good impression, but this time I did not have to worry about any of that. Sure, the choice was taken from me, but the level of trust that came from that is unmatched. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Since we were friends for so many years before dating, we got to witness each other’s growth, and we’d already experienced conflict, rupture and repair in our friendship. He was already familiar with my “too muchness” that other people found intolerable. Still, because of previous experiences, I was afraid he’d get here and change his mind about me.
Over the next few days, we enjoyed just physically being with each other, together in the same place. I was paying close attention to our interactions, looking for indications of safety. I’ve been fooled before, so this was very important to me. How he responded to my anxiety, sensory issues, and need for co-regulation were very important. Would he shame me or would he try to understand? Would he listen to me or shut me out? Would he be okay with co-regulation or would he want to be left alone? This wasn’t a test, but if it had been, he would’ve passed with flying colors.
After realizing we were very happy together, we began dating on May 3, 2024, and the next three months were the happiest months of my entire life, no joke. We are just as happy together now as we were then, and it’s amazing!
So what makes our relationship so great?
First of all, he doesn’t think I’m crazy or too much. I’d say that’s pretty important.
Secondly, we can talk about anything and everything as much as is needed. For example, when my friend blocked me unexpectedly, he processed it with me for months.
Additionally, I can talk to him about things I love. He doesn’t think Reiki is evil or have friends who think it’s evil. He is interested in Astrology and how the cycles of planets reflect things that are happening here on earth. He is supportive of psychic channeling and the fact that I use it to communicate with my brother sometimes. He doesn’t think I’m weird for my interest in the paranormal. I’ve realized my interests are very important to me, and I need to be able to talk about them with my partner.
He stands up for me in a respectful way. Last fall, I got into a heated argument with my mom about politics. He backed me up and attempted to reason with her. In previous relationships, the person I was with would either remain silent or gang up on me with my family.
He helps me heal. I’ve been known to go along with things that make me uncomfortable, thanks to trauma, and he actively encourages me to say no, to him and others. After so many years of people pleasing, it’s very difficult to get in touch with what I actually want and what feels right for me, but it’s worth it.
We accommodate each other, and never shame each other. There are things I struggle with that he finds easy, and there are challenges he has that I don’t have. We support each other. He never shames me for my anxiety, emotions, or sensory issues, and I never shame him.
We work through problems as a team, and neither of us goes outside of the relationship for advice about how to handle issues. We are a unit.
We encourage and uplift each other. He supports my writing and I support his music. He tells me I’m smart, and I tell him he’s talented.
We choose to be around each other, even if we’re doing different things. Sometimes this is problematic, like when I’m struggling to focus, but most of the time it’s great. We also make time to do things together. For example, we love to read together when we have meals.
We take care of each other. Anything we can do to make the other person’s life a little easier, we do it. For example, we often brush each other’s hair. I’m perfectly capable of doing it myself, and so is he, but we just want to take care of each other. It’s so sweet.
It feels so good to just be totally and completely myself with someone who is doing the same. There is no judgment, no criticism, nothing. This isn’t to say that we never have issues. We do, but it’s all in how we handle them. For example, I am very mono tropic, meaning that I can get very focused one one thing and tend to tune out everything else. It is hard for me to switch my focus from one thing to another, and this has caused conflict because it clashes with his rejection sensitivity. I have accidentally hurt his feelings on multiple occasions, especially when he first got here and wasn’t used to it. I would unintentionally hurt his feelings, he would get upset, I would feel how upset he was, and that would upset me. It was definitely a challenge we had to work through, but we never fight since it’s always us against the problem and not us against each other. Our “arguments” are about who is the lucky one and who is perfect.
I didn't think I'd ever experience this type of relationship, feel surrounded by so much love, support, and understanding. There is no judgment, shaming, or attempts to force me to behave a certain way. I can just be, and it's the most amazing feeling. I didn't think it was possible to feel this safe and secure with someone. This has been so healing, and I honestly wish I could share this feeling with everyone. What I can do, however, is write this and prove that it is possible. If someone invalidates you, shames you, attempts to change you, refuses to support you, just know that doesn't have to be normal and better does exist! I really hope you find it! 💙