The following is the third installment in a series of posts I thought I'd never share. Like The Apparition, this was written for the purpose of healing. I wrote it a few months ago while processing the loss of a friend. I've decided to share it now, because it's a great example of healing through writing, which is why I created this blog.
If, like me, you struggle with rumination, this kind of stream-of-consciousness writing can help externally process your looping thoughts in a safe environment. It won't make the thoughts go away, but it will help you organize them and will take away their power. It may feel like whatever negative feeling your struggling with will last forever, but it is very helpful to read your writing back at a later date and realize the feelings are no longer as intense and that you don't have the same thoughts anymore.
Reading this back and realizing just how much I've healed was the inspiration for this post. I've found peace and can appreciate our relationship for what it was. I am grateful to have known her and to have loved her. I am a better, more self-aware person because of the things our connection forced me to face. I still miss her, but I have accepted that she does not want me in her life. I hope she is doing well, and I wish her all the best that life has to offer. 💙
I miss her.
I will always miss her,
And it may always hurt...
But it's not just losing her that hurts.
It's not just that she cut me off.
It's all the years of misunderstandings,
missed connection and unmet needs,
Letdowns and rejection,
Being both too much and not enough,
The shame,
Oh, the shame
For needing co-regulation and not having the words for it,
For needing to know what to expect,
for being the crisis friend,
For crisis being the only thing that warranted a response.
"She needs us."
Until I needed too much...
I hate that.
The mixed signals:
"I love you." So why was I the last to know everything?
We were supposed to be close, but she'd disappear for months.
Sharing an intimate moment, only to be ghosted again...
Maybe it meant nothing to her,
But it meant something to me.
I swallowed my pain so many times
Just for any closeness I could get.
I felt the irritation, noticed the avoidance
But she could do no wrong.
I put her on a pedestal.
So I wonder if it was all a lie.
Did I ever mean to her what she meant to me?
Was it all imagined?
Was I just a placeholder until someone better came along?
But as always,
It doesn't matter what I think
Or how I feel.
It changes nothing.
She's gone,
No discussion,
No closure.
And I have to make peace with that.
It's just me,
My looping thoughts,
And my grief.
I love her,
Still.
Love her enough to let her go,
Again and again,
Because sometimes loving someone
Means letting them go,
Over and over,
Even if, and especially when it hurts.
Goodbye. 💋
Fly, butterfly 🦋