Losing people isn't easy. I've been struggling to process the loss of a friendship for the past 3 months. I'm constantly thinking about, writing about, and talking with safe people about what happened. I've decided to share some of my struggle in hopes that it will help me heal, and to possibly help others in some way as well. This is a form of grieving. It's still a loss, and we have to let ourselves feel all of it, as much as it hurts.
One of the reasons I'm struggling so much is that the friendship ended unexpectedly for me. This person and I shared location with each other for years, even sending notifications when we arrived and left home. On April 10, I opened Find My to discover this friend was no longer listed. "No big deal," I thought, "Find My just glitched, like it has in the past. I'll just message her and make sure she didn't intentionally remove me." The message did not go through, but she was calling and messaging her ex the same day. This is how I learned the friendship was over, that I was blocked.
Over the coming months, I would think I was doing better, only to stumble upon another service she'd blocked me on. She even reached out to a friend about how to block me on Apple Music. It felt like, and still feels like, she wants to wipe my existence from the face of the planet. There was no argument, no discussion, she was just gone.
We were friends for many years, and I considered us close. She was one of the people I once felt like I could talk to about anything. We used to joke about how other people thought I never talked, but when we got together, I could talk for hours. We'd stay up all night talking to each other. She was someone who seemed to understand me in a way that others didn't. We were both very sensitive, extremely generous to the ones we love, and honestly very compassionate in general. We both had severe anxiety, loved animals and music, and enjoyed reading the same books and watching the same shows. She used to take me on trips with her, and send me new things to try. I loved being around her. No matter how much time we spent apart, it always felt so good to reconnect. There were points in time where our relationship could've developed into something more, but communication issues and differing priorities meant that never happened. I thought the world of her though, and would have never intentionally hurt her. I know I did, though. People don't just block long-term friends like that for no reason.
There were many times that she was there for me over the years, including staying with me during a hurricane, supporting me during a toxic relationship, listening to me vent about family struggles, and listening to me cry for hours every day for months as I processed rejection and struggled with burnout. I wanted more than anything to be there for her in the same way she was for me, but that usually wasn't allowed. I finally got my chance earlier this year when she was devastated by a bad breakup. She was understandably heartbroken after the person she thought she would marry ended the relationship abruptly. I felt every bit of her pain, and wanted more than anything to take it all away and make everything better. I couldn't fix it, though, couldn't change reality for her.
Another reason I'm struggling is that it feels like I'm being misperceived. It feels like this has been the case for years. We stopped talking for 3 months in 2019 because I couldn't get the hint that her and another friend (the person she ended up dating) wanted me to go away. The distance between us only increased as they got closer, and others would offer her their advice about my behavior without even knowing me. It makes me sad, though. All I wanted was to give and receive love and support, and consistent (not necessarily constant) connection. I wanted to know what was happening and where I stood, but there were always mixed signals. I pushed her away because I didn't understand my place and act accordingly. It's hard not to beat myself up for that. Over the years, I learned to keep my feelings to myself, but the distance increased anyway. I always make the mistake of thinking that if I explain how I'm feeling well enough, understanding and compromise can be reached. This is rarely the case, though.
Last year, when I was exploring neurodivergence, I couldn't stop talking about what I was learning and processing with friends. Because we were similar in many ways and we'd both identified ourselves as HSPs years ago, I believed she'd understand and support me. This sadly wasn't the case. I guess I just have to accept that she didn't feel as close to me as I felt to her, that we've grown apart.
The last reason I'm struggling is that, while I understand her being hurt, I don't understand why all the rage is directed at me. At the time she cut me off I hadn't done anything to hurt her, other than refusing to end my friendship with her ex. Although we ended up together, this was after I'd already lost her as a friend. I spent months after their breakup listening to her cry and supporting her while encouraging him to work things out with her if that was what he wanted. Why is it that she wants to forget I ever existed while attempting to maintain a connection with my partner, the person who broke her heart? She'll still talk to all my friends, even people she wasn't particularly close to, but not me. It sends a very clear message.
It's really hard knowing I hurt her. I never meant to do that. I deeply regret anything I've ever done that has made her life more difficult in any way. Yes, this includes wanting her to be around too much. I wish I could have been a less annoying friend. I wish I'd understood what was expected of me a little better. I wish I didn't struggle so much with inconsistency. I'm really sorry that that the events that have taken place in the last few months have caused her pain. That was never my intention, and I didn't expect the twists and turns life had to offer either. I understand that she never wants to hear from me again, and I will respect that. This is why, although I have written her a letter, I will probably never send it. As much as it hurts, I support her decision not to have me in her life, and I refuse to find ways around the boundary she's set. I hope she's happier, and wish her all the best life has to offer.
Even though our friendship was very painful at times, I'm grateful to have known her. I'm not the same person she met in 2017, and a lot of my growth is because of her. I understand myself so much better now. I am much more aware of my emotions and can regulate them. I understand my triggers and do not immediately act on them. I learned to self-soothe and rely on others for co-regulation a lot less. I want to spend time with people I love, but I'm also okay on my own. I'm proud of the growth and healing I've achieved, even if the road here was extremely painful. I'm grateful. I miss her, but I'm being gentle with myself. It hurts, but I'll be okay.
Thanks for reading. Sending love to anyone who resonates with anything written here.