It all started in the residential cottages one winter morning at the Governor AMorehead School for the Blind, when icy conditions caused a 2 hour delay. To pass the time, we took the Myers Briggs Personality Test. My personality type came out as INFJ. All I really understood about that at the time is that I was an introvert and needed alone time. I was really upset by this, and I didn’t understand how I could be an introvert because I loved being around people. I always wanted to fit in, and be accepted by others, so I took this status of being an introvert as further isolating me from my peers. I was always the different one, the weird one, and even at a school full of blind people, I was still different, only maybe less obviously so. The teacher tried to explain to me the benefits of being an INFJ, telling me I was rare and should be proud of that. This only served to make me feel even more upset. Years later, as an adult, I would willingly take the Myers Briggs Personality Test again, and instead of being angry, I would feel a sense of validation for my experience of being so different my entire life. This is where my journey begins.
When I began attending school at the residential school for the blind, and my differences were less glaringly obvious, I did a lot of things to try to fit in with others around me. Usually, I found myself drawn to girls who were a little older than me. I wanted to bond with them, but they did not necessarily feel the same about me. This isn’t just about age, because there was a girl who was a year younger than me, who was accepted by the older girls and the residential staff. I can remember being told things like, “She’s just more on my level,” and being so confused because I was technically older than she was. Every Sunday, when I would get back to GMS, I would sit on the couch, spending time with everyone until it was time to go to bed. I actually got in trouble for poor time management skills, because I would wait until bed time to start unpacking my suitcase. This is why I thought I was an extrovert. I had trouble going to sleep though, and would often be up at all hours of the night braiding my hair, listening to music or a book, or writing or drawing. Another incident from early on involves pizza. One of the girls’ mothers bought pizza for everyone, but it had mushrooms. Two of the older girls didn’t like mushrooms, so they got permission to go to the dining hall instead. I immediately assumed I wouldn’t like them either and freaked out! I also wanted to fit in, and I believed they would accept me if we could bond over not liking the same thing. My final story involves one of the older girls, the younger girl I previously mentioned, and a residential staff member. I was told they were going off campus to get McDonald’s. I didn’t have permission to go off campus, and I had no money. I was really upset I couldn’t go. I was angry, because the rules felt too restrictive and unfair, and I felt left out. Even when they offered to take me, I declined because of said rules and because I didn’t feel wanted.
I’ve mentioned here growing up with anxiety issues, how growing up in a home with a lot of tension and fighting impacted me. The next step on my journey of self-discovery was at around age 18when I learned about anxiety. I knew my responses to certain situations weren’t normal, and I knew I was suffering. I had trouble being home alone at all, to the point that I would call my mom at work several times a day, and I would collect all the phones and hide in my room with the door closed and locked. Every single sound felt like some kind of threat. I had trouble showering, because I felt vulnerable and could no longer hear my surroundings. Running the dryer, microwave, vacuum or anything that was loud or got hot was terrifying. I had trouble going from being at my mom’s house to being at my dad’s, or going from my mom’s or dad’s to being at school. I used to get really emotional when I had to leave my mom to spend the weekend with my dad, and I would get physically sick when I had to go back to my mom’s. The anxiety when going back to my mom’s was made a lot worse by the fact that they would often fight, and because I would get sick and hold things up, I was blamed for the fighting. I started to realize this was unusual around 18 and did my own research to learn about anxiety disorders. I did not seek any help, however, because my experience was dismissed by my mom, who I trusted to know what was best for me.
It was helpful to have a name for some of my experience, and it was very validating to know that I wasn’t the only one on the planet dealing with this issue. In college, especially at first, I struggled a lot. I had difficulty approaching professors to discuss assignments, expectations, or grades. I would fail assignments that involved going somewhere new or crowded, because I didn’t know what to expect and I was terrified of interacting with others. Here are a couple of examples as a freshman in college. I was told by someone who worked in the Disability Support Services office that I would flunk out of college, because I opted to email a professor a question about my grade rather than waiting after class to speak to him. I explained that I only had 10 minutes between classes, and I wanted to get to the next class on time. She told me that I should have looked up his office hours and gone to speak to him then. I was overwhelmed by every aspect of this: from trying to locate an office I’d never been to without drawing attention to myself, to the thought of sitting in an office with one other person and having to interact with him, while feeling all the judgments a stereotypes people have about legally blind people, to trying to portray myself as competent and confident. Emailing seemed like the better choice to me, and to this day, I don’t understand why it was such a big deal. As time went on, I got much better about speaking to professors, and that lady saw me years later and told me she was proud of how well I’d done for myself. I won’t lie, it felt great to prove her wrong. Another example I have of my anxiety issues early on in college involves going to a Digital Arts class, where everyone was sitting at computers. I’d emailed the instructor ahead of time to inform her that I’m legally blind and need a seat in the front row. Another important detail for this story is that this class was set up so that you enter in the front of the room. This meant that I immediately felt like everyone’s attention was on me, and that I couldn’t easily tell if there were any empty seats for me to sit in. So, what did I do? I left and called my dad. He was actually very reassuring and told me “don’t sweat the small stuff.” I emailed the teacher and from then on out, I had a specific seat I sat in, and that made things so much better.
In college, I found it easiest to surround myself with other disabled people. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to connect with the average college student. I had trouble participating and being included in group assignments or study groups, so I would usually end up working on my own. I almost failed a social work class, because I was supposed to volunteer at some kind of agency and I was overwhelmed by the thought of working with people. This is all while knowing that I’ve always felt called to helping people in some way, but not really being sure how to go about it. I changed my major from Social Work to Sociology, because it was similar enough to keep my interest, but there was no internship requirement. I was constantly stressed out about everything I had to do, but I would avoid assignments until the last second, forcing myself to constantly work under pressure. When I graduated from college, I immediately fell into despair because I was no longer working toward a goal. Family members immediately started pressuring me to get a job, which only served the purpose of making me feel worse. Getting a job as a disabled person is very difficult, and I was overwhelmed by the entire process and how to go about it, and I also wasn’t really sure what I wanted to do. I had a degree, but I felt stuck. I felt like a failure.
During my journey as a Social Work student, I was also involved in a toxic relationship. Through my Social Work studies and the intervention of close friends, I learned about abuse and trauma. I developed more awareness about the current relationship I was in, as well as the things I’d experienced in childhood. I started to put the pieces together about why, for example, I have such a strong reaction to a raised voice or disappointing someone. In 2018, a conversation with a friend about childhood experiences caused me to research PTSD. I realized I likely struggled with this, but I mostly kept that awareness to myself. By 2019, my relationships with others were really struggling. I was extremely sensitive, reacted to everything, and got triggered really easily. I started feeling like people really weren’t genuine at all, and that I was just going through the motions with people. On my birthday, for example, my family wanted to have a gathering for me. I wasn’t interested at all, because I didn’t feel like this gathering had anything to do with me. It felt like it served the purpose of making them feel good, and that people would come who don’t even like me. I downloaded the Day One Journal app, and began journaling. This allowed me to develop awareness around my experiences and how my emotions changed over time. This is around the time that I would have also taken more personality tests, including the Myers Briggs Personality test for the 3rd time. This is also when I learned about being a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). It just felt like there had to be an explanation. I just had to find it.
The TikTok app is responsible for a great deal of my healing and self-awareness in recent years. I learned more about childhood trauma and ways to heal. I learned about how so many of my seemingly separate experiences are connected. For example, the correlation between mental health and physical health. I found helpful journal prompts to continue working on myself. I saw people who had similar life experiences as me expressing having similar issues as me, and I felt so much less alone. I developed an understanding that I have become the person I am because of coping strategies. Sometimes, these strategies are harmful, but I developed them to survive. They soothed me or kept me safe in the past, and that isn’t something to be demonized. I learned to start showing myself some self-compassion. I downloaded the TimePassages app and The Pattern app and started learning more about Astrology. This helped me develop awareness of timing and how I came into this life to have certain experiences and how different timing cycles, based on Astrology, would influence my life experiences. It didn’t make anything any easier, but it did help explain some of what I was feeling. I then moved into learning about the Human Design System, and how we can use that information to help us operate in the world. I was able to use Astrology and Human Design to develop a better understanding of myself and others, and how we all interact. This seemed to explain why I take on so much energy from others constantly, and why I feel like I have to express my emotions.
In 2022, I went to therapy and was diagnosed with mental health conditions I already knew I had. Unfortunately, it wasn’t much more helpful than that, but I continued trying. Books and podcasts have been more helpful than therapy has been at this point. I’ve learned more about having Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and how that impacts every part of daily life. I also learned about the term Adult Child of a Dysfunctional Family, and related to much of that experience as well. The most Helpful book I’ve read so far is CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, and the most helpful podcast I’ve listened to so far has been the Adult Child Podcast.
Thanks to TikTok, I’ve also learned a lot more about neurodiversity. There has been a significant increase in these videos recently, to the point where most of the videos I’m seeing have to do with ADHD, Autism, and the similarities between CPTSD, neurodiversity, and certain personality disorders. I learned about how the nervous system is impacted by being neurodivergent, and how being neurodivergent can lead to trauma. I’ve also seen some videos about how HSP is actually a profile of autism. Learning about neurodiversity has helped me understand myself and accommodate myself. That’s huge. When I was born, there wasn’t as much information about my eye condition and what other conditions can co-occur. Recently, I’ve learned that it is more likely for people with my eye condition to be neurodivergent. Neurodivergence also runs in my family, with several family members being officially diagnosed with ADHD and others having similar sensitivities to mine, which they try to hide the best they can. I’ve taken several assessments, watched many videos I find relatable, and thought extensively about my childhood to try to determine if my life experience is due to trauma or if I am also neurodivergent.
This journey of self-discovery has been a long and winding one. Every time I think I’ve figured myself out, new information presents itself and gives me so much more to consider. Here’s an attempt at illustrating my journey of self-discovery. INFJ > Anxiety Disorder > HSP > Adult Child > CPTSD > Neurodivergent? It’s a lot to consider and very interesting indeed. Through this process, I’ve learned so much about myself, but I also feel like I understand others so much better. I know some people don’t like labels. I am not one of those people. Labels don’t bother me, as long as they are accurate. For example, I am disabled and I am a woman. Those two things make up my identity, and there is nothing wrong with that.
Well, that’s where I’m at on my journey of self-discovery at this point in time. I look forward to continuing to learn, grow, and heal. Thanks for joining me on this journey! 💙