This is the final installment in a series. If you haven't read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 yet, I recommend doing so for necessary context before reading this post.
Now, here's the story of how I finally learned the truth...
When giving speeches in college, both to disabled high school students and their educators, I would bring up the time when I was in high school and they tried to change my educational track to force me to go to community college. That was not what I wanted and not what I had planned, so I refused. I would tell the students to advocate for themselves, and I would tell the educators not to limit a child's potential. I was very bitter about this, and had to be told not to be so aggressive while giving speeches to the educators. If you've heard the Self-Advocacy Rap, this is why there are lyrics that say, "Should she be on this track? They say yes, but she says no." I wrote it because of my story, but I imagine this issue is very common, since as disabled people we're always being underestimated. I never knew why they attempted to change my educational track since I got good grades. The only thing I could come up with for years is that they must have done it for more funding. Well, now I know what really happened, and I get to be angry for different reasons. Yay, or something. Here's the story.
In high school, I was pulled out of class for several days of testing. No one would tell me why I was selected or what the purpose was even though I asked repeatedly. I remember being confused and thinking the whole thing was ridiculous. They told me to try my best and answer with whatever came to mind first. There was an intelligence portion and I was asked to do some math problems. I also had to look at pictures of blobs and tell them what they were. At another point the man administering the tests lined up objects on the desk and asked me to tell a story. I said, "I can't do that," and he seemed surprised but he took the objects away. There was also a psychological portion, in which we discussed my family life and my parents' divorce. He asked me about friendship and if I thought there was a right way to be a friend. I told him yes. And this is all I remember about the testing.
They wrote a report about me, and I met with a counselor. She said, "I have to make a quick phone call and then we are going to go over everything in this report together." I believe she went to call my mom, and my mom restricted the information she was allowed to share, because when she returned all we talked about is that I was of average intelligence. I asked if I could have a copy of the report for myself and she said no. I asked if I could read it, and she said no. She then asked me what my plans were after graduation. I said I was going to a university.. She strongly discouraged me from going to a university, urging me to go to community college first. This made no sense to me, because I'd need transportation to get to school every day and if I wanted to go to a 4 year college, why wouldn't I just do that? She asked where I planned to go, and I told her. She asked me why I made that decision, and I said that they had a small campus with small classes and they had a great disability services office. She told me those were the wrong reasons for choosing a college. They seemed like pretty good reasons to me, so I just disregarded everything she said.
At some point later, I met with a different counselor for my IEP meeting. I was old enough that my parents weren't required to attend, so it was just me and him. I did not associate this meeting with the testing I'd done. I'm not sure if this is because it was months later, or if it's just that the IEP meeting was a routine thing whereas the testing was not. I never forgot this meeting, because he intended to change my educational track. He attempted to appeal to me by saying I'd have to take fewer classes, and I said, "But then I won't have the credits I need to go to a university." He told me I could still go to a university but that I'd have to go to a community college first. I told him I did not want to do that. At this point I remembered the conversation with the other counselor and started questioning him about why they were discouraging me. If I'm of at least average intelligence, I get decent grades, and the average person can go to a university, why can't I? Why is everyone discouraging me? He didn't say much, just continued typing on his computer for several minutes. His back was facing me. He said, "It's Asperger's." I didn't have any context, I didn't even know he was referring to something I had, I didn't know it was related to the testing that had been done or that they were looking for something wrong with me, I'd never heard that word before, and I wasn't sure I'd heard him correctly. I said, "What's that?" He said, "Ask your parents." I did not ask my parents, because I wasn't sure what to ask them. "Hey mom, in my IEP meeting, the counselor randomly said something about burgers and when I asked for clarification, he told me to ask you." LOL! Hilarious, plus she would have just lied to me anyway. I completely forgot that brief interaction for decades until what he'd actually said clicked into place unprompted, when just going about my normal daily routine. It's like I had to come to this conclusion and accept myself first before unlocking this memory. Wow.
This shows definitively that self-identification is valid, but it's infuriating because I should have never had to do it. It was about me, and I deserved to know the truth. I'm glad he got frustrated with the situation, and just blurted it out. At least some context, like that it is something I was diagnosed with and that's why they were testing me, would have been nice. However, I think the reason he didn't is because I was under 18, and my mom rejected the diagnosis and wouldn't allow them to tell me about it. This explains all her weird behavior around the topic. I asked her about this testing, and she claims she doesn't remember anything. It's more likely she believed if I never found out I would live a more normal, successful life; now she won't admit the truth because she doesn't want to be held accountable for the decision she made. She doesn't want to be seen as a bad parent, and right after she claimed she didn't remember the testing, she was seeking reassurance that she wasn't a "bad mom." While she definitely made the wrong decision, I believe she was doing what she thought was best for me. So, it's complicated.
I tried requesting my records from the school back in May. Unlike other institutions, they have files going back to the 1950s, so it shouldn't have been a problem. Unfortunately, they claim they cannot find anything about me. I'm not sure if I'm just being blown off (that's what it feels like), my records were already requested (possible since I was under 18 when I graduated), or if their records are that disorganized. It was still quite the blow, and I am devastated. Regardless of what I know now, I still wanted to read the report, or at the very least, any documents referencing it. Thanks to my mom's ableism, that has been taken away from me.
Anyway, that's the long and winding journey of how I found self-acceptance only to discover I'd been professionally diagnosed all along. This series is long, so if you've read the entire thing, thank you so much! I hope this is enlightening, and if you're on a similar journey, or even if you're just interested in learning more, check out the Resources page.