My healing journey has been a multiyear and multistep process. Everyone’s healing journey looks different, but hopefully sharing some of my journey will help normalize some of these experiences. When you’re going through them, it can feel so isolating and like you’re broken beyond repair. At some points, everything feels impossible and pointless. If this is your experience, keep pushing forward. It’s a difficult journey, but it’s worth it, and you’re worth it.
My healing journey really began in 2019 with painful experiences in groups. A lot of drama was caused by my triggered reactions, and most things other people did felt like rejection or a personal attack. By June of 2019, I was just going through the motions of life. I had no interest in having a birthday party, and it seemed to be a performative thing my family was doing, because it was what they were supposed to do. It seemed to be more about them keeping up appearances than it was about actual togetherness or celebrating my birthday.
In September, a falling out with two close friends left a hole in my heart that I immediately tried to fill with other people. This lead to the painful experiences that ultimately caused me to hit rock bottom in July of 2020.
My first step was to realize I didn’t love myself. I was seeking validation and approval from others, because I believed my only value was being useful to others. This caused me to get into unhealthy relationships, let people take advantage of me, and bring anyone and everyone into my home.
My self-love journey really started with self-pleasure. Yes, that means what you think it means. No further elaboration is necessary. I then began learning to speak to myself in a loving, gentle, positive way, rather than being mean, negative, and abusive with words and thoughts. This was very difficult, and it’s still sometimes a struggle.
I removed myself from toxic “friend” groups, and got comfortable being alone. From there, I started working on validating my own experiences and emotions, which was a huge step. Being gaslit my entire life caused the belief that my feelings were invalid. Any strong emotions were “overreacting” or “being a drama queen,” and calling my experiences traumatic is an “exaggeration”. “It wasn’t that bad.” All of this had to be unlearned, and I had to get comfortable making other people uncomfortable with my truth. This is easier now than it was, but it’s still a struggle.
This is when I found Human Design, and started learning more about myself and others. This lead to a spiritual awakening, and the development of unexpected psychic abilities. Unfortunately, anxiety and being in a dysregulated state made accessing these abilities unreliable, but my world began to open up. I started reading about the energetic field, how energy moves through the body, how our chakras develop, and levels of consciousness. This lead to the exploration and collection of crystals. Crystal jewelry was particularly helpful, because wearing it helped me absorb less energy from others. This is when I started setting boundaries with people, and saying no to situations that weren’t right for me.
The next step was to learn Energy Healing. First, I started with an Energy Study course, just to make sure it was right for me. In March of 2022, I started working on my Reiki certification. Practicing on myself and others lead me to the next step on my healing journey.
In May of 2022, I willingly got a checkup after avoiding it for years. Injuries from two falls in 2019 and 2020 likely warranted medical attention, but he last time I’d been in a medical facility was in 2017 for an ear problem after a cold. Choosing to go to the doctor was a huge step. In June, I started eating differently, and began working out in July. I’ve now lost a significant amount of weight, and I can honestly say Reiki helped me get there.
The next step was therapy. I had multiple sessions with a therapist and a psychiatrist throughout the summer of 2022. Other than the validation of receiving a formal diagnosis for my mental health conditions, including CPTSD, therapy was entirely unhelpful. This isn’t to say therapy is useless for everyone, because I believe there are really good therapists out there. Unfortunately, in my case, all they wanted to do was medicate me. I’m not interested in medication, because it would likely leave me feeling numbed or checked out, stunting my healing progress. I want to be fully engaged with life, and really get to the root of my issues. Additionally, top down approaches, like talk therapy, don’t work well in a lot of cases for trauma. This is because our conscious brain is not in control and our trauma is stored in the body. You might think your mind is triggering your anxiety, for example, but it could be alarm bells going off in your nervous system. I have read books on trauma and listened to helpful podcasts. I’ve been working on ways to process things on my own, and movement has been very helpful.
The next step on my journey was to begin documenting experiences on this blog. Writing here has given me an outlet to put my experiences out into the world. This has been therapeutic, and it could potentially help others on a similar journey.
The next step was opening myself up to people again. I’ve been a member of a WhatsApp support group for blind women since 2021. My hope was to make new friends and be a part of a community. I took note of how difficult it was for me to open up in the group, and how certain situations triggered me. These experiences were great learning and growth opportunities, allowing me to continue working on myself with love. A Facebook post about my journey lead to a new friendship, and reaching out privately to people on WhatsApp has also lead to some additional connections. I’m learning to prioritize reciprocal connections, and not to take it personally when someone isn’t responsive. I can easily recognize my triggers and feel my emotions without reacting. I also worry less about how others perceive me, sharing whatever I feel like sharing without expectations of any kind. If people don’t like me, that’s their problem. It feels like I’m building genuinely supportive friendships, and it feels amazing!
Lastly, the learning process is always ongoing! I have now thrown myself into learning about ancient astrology, and working on my channeling abilities. This means being less social, for now, because my focus is on learning.
What has all this shown me? Sometimes the most painful moments in life lead to the greatest growth. My truth is 100% valid, and my emotions are a strength. Sometimes people are put into our lives to teach us something. It doesn’t mean we’re bad, or unlovable, or unworthy. Self-love is the best love. You have to take care of you before you can really take care of anyone else. You’re not responsible for anyone else’s wellbeing. You can’t give anyone anything they aren’t ready to receive. Isolation is an important step in the healing process, but so is connecting with people. The resources you need will appear at the right time, when you’re ready to utilize them. Don’t rush the healing process. Healing is a life-long journey. Be gentle with yourself. Sometimes you’ll feel like you’re not making any progress, or like you’re reverting to old, unhealthy coping mechanisms. It’s okay. Things are happening as they’re meant to. And lastly, you are so intuitive, and so gifted. Being disconnected from your intuition and psychic gifts doesn’t make them any less real.
As always, thanks for reading and being on this journey with me. 💙