This is the third installment in a series about My Self-Discovery Journey, so I recommend reading My Journey of Self-Discovery, which is part 1, and My Self-Discovery Journey Part 2 before continuing, so that what I say here makes more sense. This post picks up right where the last one ends.
The reiki incident happened on July 22, the day Venus went retrograde, and my ex didn't leave my house until mid-September. With him here and being surrounded by all his things, I was unable to heal. I usually don't cry much, but I was crying for hours every day. I was also the closest to being suicidal I've ever been. I was so not myself that I truly believed something was wrong with me to the point that I was unlovable, and I was destined to make anyone who attempted to develop any sort of relationship with me miserable for the rest of my life. They'd just all take what they wanted from me and then leave. As they say, if it's hysterical, it's historical. This mindset had less to do with the actual situation I found myself in, and more to do with all the repeating patterns I was seeing in my relationships and the lack of stability in my life. After this, I completely lost the energy to maintain relationships at all. I lost the ability to mask for other people's benefit, and I was forced to learn to make decisions based on what I needed instead of what was best for others or what they expected. By October, I wasn't upset about the lost relationship anymore. I did not miss my ex, and I was glad to be out of the chaos. My house was empty and peaceful. Yet, I was still struggling with integrating the new information I was learning about myself. I started talking to my friends about everything I'd been learning. Some of them did not appreciate my pointing out neurodivergent traits I noticed in them. The one friend I expected to understand and to be supportive was annoyed by how much I was talking about Autism and ADHD, and said that it was "just TikTok." Yet, I also discovered that two different friends were on the same journey as me and we had no clue. That was validating.
This time period forced me to confront the support needs I didn't know I had. I was raised in a neurodivergent household, attended schools with other disabled children, had a lot of help transitioning into college from my mom, have always had help with paperwork and making appointments, kept a meal plan and went home on the weekends throughout college, regularly traveled home for weeks at a time when I lived in a different city, and spent most weekends with my mom during the first year of living in my house. After a year of living alone, a friend moved in to help me with bills, but what I didn't realize is how much support he provided me on a daily basis: help with meals, help with Dash, help making appointments, help as a companion, help with technology when the process complexity was too much. When I started allowing other people to stay here, I thought I was helping them. I knew I like creating an interdependent environment, but I didn't realize this was because I had support needs. My friend Ashley was the biggest help. We would cook together and go places together; she was very patient with me and calmed my anxiety; when I was anxious she would sleep in the same room with me; she would keep Dash for me if I needed to stay with my mom for any reason; she would help me take care of him and take him to the vet; and so much more. When it all became too much for her and she left, I really felt it. Her leaving was like a preview of what was to come. I did not know how much I relied on others, so by October of 2023, life was really humbling me and forcing me to confront my own internalized ableism.
I have created a Resources page on this blog, which has lists of a lot of the content that helped me on this journey. Not everything is relevant to the time period being discussed as I regularly add and remove links, but some of the most impactful resources which finally forced me to start integrating what I was learning as a part of my identity are listed. Some of them, however, are not. A couple of different creators on TikTok, for example, literally broke down the Autism criteria, and when I realized I definitely met the requirements and how everything applied to my life, I was forced to begin accepting the possibility. Since then, the same thing has been done on multiple podcasts, but not until after I'd already started the integration process. Still, that page should be helpful to anyone who is on a similar journey. One of the most helpful concepts for me to understand how my brain works is Monotropism. On the resources page you will find links about what it is as well as a link to the Monotropism Questionnaire. It's not diagnostic, but may be enlightening. It definitely was for me. In September of 2023, I attended a virtual summit called the Neurodivergent Navigation Summit and learned so much. In January, 2024, I attended the Neurodivergent Lived Experience Summit and also purchased the previous year's content. My goal throughout this journey has been to gain access to a wide range of perspectives about different conditions. I have literally done this every day since 2023. I am constantly learning and making new connections. It has been so healing.
I have written about what I was learning a few times on this blog. On January 12, 2024, I wrote All About Connection: How Differences in Expectations can Cause Misunderstandings, and on April 23, 2024, I wrote Learning to Accept Being Misunderstood: Who I am vs the Stranger They See.
On April 28, 2024, I started a new chapter in my life. I have written about this as well in Healing in a Safe Relationship, because we began dating on May 3, 2024 and yes, we are still together and extremely happy. This relationship has been so healing, because it disproves the myth that there was something wrong with me that made me unlovable. He understands anxiety, OCD, sensory issues, everything. The only struggle we've had has been around my monotropism and his rejection sensitivity, but we are able to communicate about everything, even the hard stuff. It's amazing. He has even been able to help me with my trauma and dissociation, and I am so grateful. One of the reasons this relationship is so different is that we were friends first, and we have already dealt with a lot of misunderstandings. I'm not seen as the problem in our relationship because he already knows how I am, and I now have the language to explain what is going on. I didn't have that before, and he and my other friends were very conflict avoidant. This meant that I was seen as combative when I was simply trying to get on the same page with them and address whatever was causing the disconnect. I am glad we do not have those issues now, and I believe things happen at the right time. I went through the experience in 2023 to break me down so that I would be forced to learn what I needed and wanted in a relationship, and now that is exactly the type of relationship I have.
The next big shift in my self-discovery journey was in March of this year. I started realizing I completely accepted myself and did not feel as protective of the things I was learning. There was something in the energy that was making me feel a lot younger, free like a child. A major part of this was that I was no longer using TikTok. When it was brought back after the supposed ban, I did not reinstall it. My mental health was so much better for it. In August of 2024, everything became political posts and it was very distressing. Getting away from that and connecting with my inner child was so healing and allowed me to finally reach the point of self-acceptance. On March 9, 2025, I was having a conversation with my mom about someone else's angry outbursts, and I said, "I wonder if those were actually meltdowns." This completely caught her off guard, and I then started talking about sensory issues and misophonia. It was a great conversation actually. I really enjoyed it. Suddenly while we were talking she stopped and said, "You're not Autistic, are you?" I said, "Yes, I am and I have some ADHD traits as well." She said, "Oh you can't have ADHD, you did well in school." I wasn't able to continue the conversation as I was headed out the door, but she uses the same justification for saying another family member doesn't have ADHD when I've seen her ADHD traits since she was a child. None of this surprises me coming from her. Still, it was a productive conversation. When I was recounting the conversation with my sister and got to the, "You're not Autistic, are you" part, she said, "No" at the same time as I said, "Yes." Hilarious. It is really easy to be discouraged and to feel invalidated in moments like this, but the thing I needed to remember in that moment is that we weren't working with the same amount of knowledge. A lot of traits were normalized in our family, and everything they know beyond that is likely based on stereotypes. On the way home, my sister and I connected on struggles with auditory processing, not being able to focus on the conversation we're having when people are talking nearby. I got home feeling really good and at least I wasn't being outright rejected. That meant a lot to me.
On March 11, a phone call with my mom landed on the topic of what it was like for her raising her children. This is because she said she could "tell when something wasn't right" with a baby, and unfortunately this is her justification for not properly bonding with my sister. Eventually this conversation inspired a post called Trust vs. Mistrust. I have also written about Nature vs. Nurture in other post, which draws from everything I've learned on this journey. My uncle went missing, and I was thinking a lot about how people become dependent on substances when they're unable to cope with the demands of daily life. Someone doesn't just end up addicted to drugs as a teenager and remain that way for their entire life unless there is extensive trauma and the inability to integrate into society. There is a lot of reliance on substances in my family. In some cases it's just smoking, and using cigarettes as an oral stim to avoid gaining weight, and to help with breaks and social interactions at work. In other cases it's relying on alcohol to regulate their nervous system and to let go after masking all day. For some people, it's drinking too much so they can actually socialize. When I used to drink, I was way more outgoing than usual and was no longer concerned about what people thought of me. It made socializing so much easier, so I get it. In the case of both of my uncles, they ended up addicted to drugs and their entire lives revolved around the next high, causing them to lose custody of their children, become homeless, and completely destroy their relationship with family.
Pieces of my life's puzzle have continuously fallen into place as memories have resurfaced and I've connected them to concepts I've learned. I spent 2 years of my life investigating the possibility of having different conditions, with a primary focus on Autism but also ADHD and OCD. This self-identification process has been a long and winding one, but even with all of the challenges to everything I thought I knew and being humbled by life, I am so glad this happened. I know myself so much better now, I can accommodate myself better, and have better relationships; when shit is challenging or awkward with people, I now know why. It's such a relief!
You may think the story ends here, but if you are a regular reader of this blog, you may have some idea that it doesn't. It's such a wild experience to go through 2 years of thorough self-identification, with all the uncertainty and imposter syndrome that comes along with it only for a previously insignificant and confusing memory to resurface, changing your entire perspective as a result. That is the story I will tell in the final installment of this series.